“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” - Franklin Roosevelt
I am sitting in one of my favourite coffee shops growing up. Not so far from here is where I first began exploring with my first film camera at 7 years old. It's also where my hands were first held on a skateboard. While this sets the stage for a walk down nostalgia lane, moments like these are a way of connecting fleeting memories and making a little sense of what they have become in me.
I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability and self reflection lately. I have grown to appreciate and embrace how they make me feel raw and exposed. Tender and layered. And in embracing them, I have learned enough to know that I often land on my feet from the jump feeling more rooted in myself. The truth is I have had more moments in the past four years where those very feelings have left me feeling like jello and a cement block simultaneously, than any other period in my life. But, I can say that, without a doubt, although they've shaken and shattered me (without exaggeration), they also slowly put me together again.
I don't find it one bit surprising that the birthplace of creativity is vulnerability and self reflection (yes, I do think of them as two sides of the same coin in many respects). Neither one is easy and often I find myself fraught with feelings of fear, joy, melancholy and doubt when I am reflecting or feel particularly vulnerable. Still, no matter how you slice it, we live in a vulnerable world. A world that is interconnected. A world of actions and reactions- where someone's extension of love becomes another's education in its expression. Where one's anger and rage to those innocent likely spurred from anger and rage towards or around them. Where wars in countries we've never been to affect our lives thousands of miles away. Someone's gluttony is at the expense of another's hunger. Someone's knowledge can serve as a platform for someone else's education (just as it can their ignorance).
Whether it's through sharing a poem, a photograph or these thoughts out loud- I can unabashedly admit that as much as it's for my own satisfaction, I am conscious that it is also a call for connection to myself and to the world. It stems from a deep desire for someone to see me just as I yearn to see: myself, them and us both in one another. But, that to me is the crux of self-reflection and creative expression: connecting to a voice through which I can tell my own story with a fuller heart. The root of that heart, I am learning, is compassion towards my own self but also towards others. So, if we were to take the dictionary definition of 'compassion' as "co-suffering"- to go out of one's way in order help someone else physically, spiritually, or empathize with their emotional hurts or pains... creativity as a process begins to make a lot more sense, at least to me.
At some point each of us has and will ask for affirmation: "Was that O.K.?" (in other words "Am I good enough?") in infinite contexts. No one is immune to that- no matter how big or small. I truly believe that. We are wired to be imperfect and vulnerable creatures but we continue to be socialized to hack our lives by wrapping up everything in a box with a bow on top. We crave connection but we more often, in todays world, learn to master disconnection. Admittedly there is nothing more crippling than when you bare yourself to someone only to feel unseen or acknowledged. We also live in a world where doing that repeatedly becomes exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. Where the math becomes more foreign/ tough to justify. But it's important to also recognize that the roads are closed off down that route. When we reflect and open up we are really stepping out of our bodies and reaching inward. We are befriending ourselves over and over again. Finding different beings that all coexist in the same vessel. Beings that contradict yet, so gorgeously, complement one another-giving this single vessel dimension. This vessel at it's core yearns to be held, carried, marveled at... so when we begin to court it in passion and suffering we inadvertently become (better) companions to each other in the process. We are all suffering, in different ways, but we're all hardwired for it. That's why we are capable of experiencing profound connection when we hear a song, bask in a painting, or immerse ourselves in poetry and prose... we are capable of being moved, in our own way, even if it is to a being we've never met before. But it requires a certain readiness and openness. That's why in suppressing this desire to connect to something deeper, we are weakened (not strengthened) and we end up sacrificing/neglecting the thing we desire the most: deep companionship - with ourselves and the world. Even more, alongside it, we begin to destroy the birthplace of spring, where we bloom...
It's not easy. It's nature but it also needs nurture. It's excruciating work and yet in the same vein it's not because of it's authenticity. It involves unlocking rusty cellar doors and looking into the mirror. It means not occupying up every minute of the day looking at a screen to avoid touch or contact with our surroundings. It means leaving space to relearn what it's like to be "bored" so that we can enjoy the company of ourselves enough before others can be asked to like it and seek it. But we more than often live vicariously through false productions that push us into a hamster wheel of perfecting the image of ourselves and our lives. We numb and bury our shame- our fear of admitting that all we crave is that deep sense of acceptance of who we are as we are. We move away from real belonging and alongside it end up losing our ability to live and love wholeheartedly. To feel. To create.
After my first big heartbreak, as broken and emptied as I felt, I also remember feeling incredibly flooded. At one moment, I wrote in my diary: "there is so much love inside of me to give and I don't know where to put it anymore". It makes me tear up reading those words even now. I didn't know it at the time but that's when I had to begin another journey of self-reflection and immerse myself in creative expression. I just moved towards the things that made me feel full again- runs at 4:30 am every morning to catch the sun's rise, painting, playing piano, countless hours writing, traveling and exploring with my camera... all of it alone. Rather than suppress my flood with noise, I let it explode. And seldom did I feel lonely. I quickly learned it is because that flood was (as it always is) yearning to return home- to me. That's how it finds a voice (or many!). That's how the heart finds heart. That's how it learns to feel safe again... to find space and sanctuary in itself, first, so it can than do that with and in others.
To sum up, not so long ago on a plane ride, I read an article on Stephen Colbert in GQ magazine. He was talking about his upcoming debut on The Late Show. He said something that hit a nerve with me when thinking about all of this: "the end product is jokes, but you could easily say the end product is intention. Having intentionality at all times... the process of process is process." I think it can be easy to forget that vulnerability and self reflection are not outcomes that we arrive at begrudgingly. They are not things that happen to us. That we can avoid or dread for too long without consequences. They are part and parcel of a vital and crucial process that is unique but necessary for each of us. The creative process is infinite but it is not automated or something that we can take for granted.
And today, in this light, I am reminded of some abc's in photography that can hold out to be true. Sometimes it’s necessary to choose to stand with my back to the sun in the arena of life. In order to be immersed in creative expression, there is just no way around vulnerability and self-reflection. It's how shadows can be ahead of us so they can no longer take us down from behind. Now, pardon me as I go with mine to dance the evening away...